Do you want me to follow you on Twitter?

Then…

1. Do you have a profile picture other than an egg? … No? Then there’s no chance unless it’s something like …

2. Have you added a profile description? …  No? Then you have no chance.

3. Are you trying to sell followers? … Yes? No chance and an instant block. I don’t want my followers to see your posts. Buying fake and useless followers is pointless.

4. Do you send out ‘haha’ messages? … Yes? I’m not going to follow your link to a malware site and certainly won’t follow you. Expect an instant block.

5. Are your tweets full of swearwords? … Yes? There’s not much chance unless there’s a reason for using them. Try replacing the ‘F’ word with ‘Sandwich’. ‘ It makes just as much sense and it’s a lot funnier. (Thanks David Icke)

6. Is your profile written in good English? … No? Sorry spelling and grammar are still important and if you make too many mistakes, I’m unlikely to follow you.

7. Do you send out lots of direct messages? … Yes? Then I’m already following you but I won’t be for much longer. The occasional one in a private conversation is OK. DMs can be an intrusion though – especially the pointless ones which say  just “Hi”. If you send me a link that I haven’t asked for then I’m NOT going to click it.

8. Are you trying to be offensive? … Yes? Then there’s no chance. No one likes trolls.

9. Do you post sexually explicit pictures? … Then you’ve no chance and will be blocked by me and are likely to blocked by Twitter soon.

10. Are your tweets and profile full of text abbreviations? … Ys? b4 I fllw U id hv 2 b crzy

11. Do lots of your tweets have links with red WOT circles? … Yes? Then there’s little chance. If you don’t know about Web of Trust – WOT – you should do. (Note Web Of Trust came under fire after allowing it’s list of users out but it’s still a useful precaution. Remember – there is no obligation to give sites truthful information about yourself.

12. Does your profile mention your religion? … Yes? Then there’s little chance. Go preach somewhere else.

13. Does your profile mention your politics? … Yes? Then there’s little chance and you might not want me to follow you either because I enjoy poking fun at politicians. Here’s a blog post about the 2010 UK election.

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14. Do you sometimes retweet others?  … No? Then there’s not much chance unless you are really interesting

15. Do you respond to others tweets? …No? Twitter is all about interaction so I probably won’t follow you.

16. Do you have more than 1,000 followers but have tweeted less than 100 times? … Yes? I don’t follow celebrities with nothing to say or people who have bought or gained useless followers.

17. Do you ONLY retweet others? … Yes? Then there’s not much chance (unless you are retweeting me). Many Twitter spammers do that. Try at least pinning one of your posts so that it shows at the top for me to retweet in return.

18. Do you retweet the same 20 tweets endlessly? … Yes? Then there’s no chance. Try retweeting from a bank of 1,000+ tweets.

19. Do you use TrueTwit? … Yes? Then there’s no chance of me ‘validating.’ If you want to find out why – check here.

20. Do you allow autotweets about how many people unfollowed/followed you or to thank people for following?  … Yes? Then that’s not good but there’s some chance if something else catches my interest. Rather than thanking people – retweet one of their tweets.

21. Do you tweet or retweet multi line posts like this:
…Yes? These are so annoying, especially if you are using Twitter mobile apps. I’m not going to follow anyone who hogs so much space on my screen!

22. Are all your tweets adverts for something? … Yes? Then there’s no chance and I’ll probably mute your tweets.

23. Are all your tweets quotes? … Yes?  Then there’s not much chance unless you find really interesting quotes I’ve never heard before.

24. Do most of your tweets start with ‘ I ‘ … Yes? Then there’s not much chance unless you are really interesting. That’s called being a bore.

25. Are most of your tweets about sport? … Yes?  Then there’s little chance. If you do that expect to cut your followers by at least 50%

26. Are you promoting/tweeting about Apple products? … Yes? 50% of people are not at all interested and a good percentage of those think Apple users have more money than sense. Because of the latter people who want to sell you things will probably follow you.

27. Are your tweets protected? … Yes? Then there’s no chance. I’m not going to follow anyone I can’t see.

28. Are you pretending to be Yoda, Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, Sherlock Holmes, Einstein etc. Yes? I’m tired of these so there’s little chance – do something original.

33. Does your Twitter bio say something like ‘Follow me and I follow back.’? That’s never a good idea. You may be following fake followers, trolls, scammers. Whilst I might tolerate you following me, I’m unlikely to follow you back and I’ll probably hide posts with your twitter name. Spend some time and check those you follow.

34. DO YOU TWEET IN ALL CAPS? This is considered shouting and bad manners on Internet. You’ll find the Caps Lock key at the left hand side of your keyboard. Switch it off and I may follow you.

35. Is your Twitter bio a quote or comment? This tells me nothing about you and doesn’t give me a reason to follow you. →

I might make an exception for something extremely clever or witty like this: ↓

What about you?

What sort of things put you off following people on Twitter?

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